08:00 My alarm goes off and my body is still pushed against the wall—unwilling to move
08:01 The alarm is shut off and I continue to sleep intermittently between alarms
09:03 Finally I force myself to sit up and stay up. Again, I stare up at my ceiling fan as it monotonously spins like how I feel about the movement of my life
09:27 I lay back down and sink into my bed. Awake but dead inside
09:59 Stepped out of the furniture border that surrounds my bed, I walk into the bathroom and I avoid my reflection
10:03 Out of the bathroom, back onto my bed, on my phone.
10:27 In the kitchen, preparing breakfast for myself. My stomach feels like shit after drinking half a bottle of wine last night
11:02 I don’t even remember what I was up to yesterday. Brooding in my room per usual I suppose. Avoiding responsibilities. Ah yes, I did manage to call car insurance companies to pull comparative quotes and also called JUUL because the damn device still doesn’t work
12:33 Staring at my laptop, I am not even attempting to do work due in 27 minutes
12:57 Washed my face, put on clothing to wear out in public. Decided to cut class.
13:04 At a school computer lab. Talked to an acquaintance. Talked to a stranger. I embarrassed myself in front of an adult. Saw a friend, then cut off contact almost immediately
13:19 Back home I packed up items to donate. Then drove off to the donation center
13:35 Got honked and yelled at an intersection
13:36 Almost broke down in tears as the woman rolled down her window to show how much she hated me
13:45 Dropped off donations
13:58 Drove off to the mountains
15:13 Parked near the school. Entered library. Wasted money on food. Found a corner to brood in, again.
15:38 A classmate approached me and talked to me. It was an amazing feeling. I was being seen, I was seen. He was so nice and genuinely interested, what a spirit. What a spirit…
15:49 The same friend I saw earlier came into the library. We had a genuine conversation. Again, it feels good to talk to people. I miss that. What has happened to me? What am I doing to myself? Why do I like being lonely yet complain about it constantly
16:29 Running late to a meeting because I am writing this. I am depressed. I do not know why I do this to myself. It is all my fault. I need to change. I need to feel good again. There is so much hope but so little hope. I need to find the light within myself, again
I wrote this back in April as dated at the top. I don’t know why I feel so attached to this type of stream of consciousness, staccato-esque writing *as demonstrated in Turbulent Love. It captured a moment out of many other moments I felt like I was drowning in depression. The solution is simple, stop brooding, talk it out or simply spend time with another human being. As much as I want to be alone, or as I like to put it, “independent,” everything we accomplish is part of a team effort. Everything I am today has been influenced by other people, nothing is original, it is a beautiful remix that you need to learn to dance to. It is always easier said than done, and one can never “beat” depression—learn to love yourself, take deep breaths, drink tea, watch a good film, and light a candle.